Choosing The Right Partner Relationship Q And A by Rev. Christie Bature: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

What if God says this is your husband, but you're not getting along?

Go back to "did God really say?" I was in a relationship for four years with a young man, taken him to my spiritual fathers, sure this was the one he wrote songs, I sang them, it felt made in heaven. Then one day I heard in my spirit, "that's not your husband." I asked God to confirm it to him too, and he called me the same week saying he had heard the same thing.

If you're not getting along, not attracted, and nothing is connecting, take a rain check, big time. Step back and be sure you heard God. But also ask yourself what you're looking for, some of us set impossible standards for others to meet. Nobody is all that.

Top three qualities to look for before saying I do

• Is this person born again, and pressing after God, even if not yet at your spiritual level? Every woman needs a spiritual leader at home, not just a provider.
• Is this person kind, considerate, accommodating, or critical of everything you do? If either spirituality or kindness is missing, get out.

Is divorce right when a marriage becomes unbearable, through emotional or physical abuse?

The biblical standard for divorce is adultery, that one we don't debate. But for physical abuse, there's no tolerance. Proverbs 22:15, the rod of correction is for a child in the house, not for a spouse. If there's violence, remove yourself from that environment until the person goes through anger management and proves they've changed.

For emotional and psychological abuse, we don't always have the liberty to simply walk away, but we can learn to take the power back from the person feeding off our pain. Four responses to draw on:

1. Indifference

   What they call you is not who you are.
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Rev. Christie Bature
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2. Detachment

   Detach emotionally from the person.

3. Disengagement

   Refuse to argue back and match their level.

4. Strategic withdrawal

   Build a boundary around your soul so their words stop reaching you.

What if you love someone but haven't heard from God?

If you ask and God says nothing, don't move further, wait. What God has ordained for you, nobody can take. It is better to be doubly sure than to go in unsure. If everything were truly right, your spirit wouldn't still be wondering.

What if family doesn't approve of your partner?

Parents can't live their children's lives for them, but ask them directly what it is about the person they don't approve of. If it can be remedied, remedy it. Get someone your parents will listen to, or your pastor, to speak with them, and don't just jump to marrying or ending it out of frustration. Marriages with full parental blessing still fail, and marriages people pushed through still last, so the outcome is on the two people, not the parents' verdict.

What if you married against advice and it went wrong?

Sit down and walk through the issues together, don't blame the people who warned you. Apart from violence and infidelity, there's little that can't be worked through, and even infidelity can sometimes be forgiven where there's true repentance.

At a safe house I run, a woman was brought in unconscious after her husband beat her. Through legal counsel, the man was made to sign an agreement: if he hit her again he would be prosecuted, if there was tension he would be the one to leave the house, and if he threatened her small job again she would report him. It's been four years, he hasn't hit her again.

Every marriage has issues, even the ones that look conflict-free from the outside just learned not to argue where others could hear. When it was hard to talk to my husband without shouting, I started writing him letters. When he saw a twelve-page letter he finally said, "Come and sit down, let's talk," because you can't tell a piece of paper to shut up.

What if your partner has a chronic illness?

Love is sacrifice. If you can genuinely carry that weight, why not, people have married spouses with severe paralysis or missing limbs and cared for them for life. But if you can't, love the person enough to walk away rather than marry them and grow resentful.

Does sexual attraction matter in courtship?

Chemistry is good and worth paying attention to if physical attraction matters to you, but don't get blinded by it, someone can have all the chemistry and be chemically toxic for you. What people feel early on is infatuation, and studies show infatuation fades within about two and a half years whether or not you marry. What must follow is intentional love, a decision to stay and love someone in spite of their shortcomings.

What if you were deceived into the marriage?

If the foundation was deceit, a hidden illness, a hidden child, hidden impotence, don't stay, because you won't be able to trust anything the person tells you afterward. For habits like smoking or drinking hidden during courtship, set a clear boundary and a timeline for change, with real accountability, before deciding whether to stay. If they show no willingness to change and you simply accept it, there will be no motivation for them to ever change.