Hard Truths About Relationships by Apostle Johnson Suleman: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Hard Truths for Singles

One of the biggest problems you will have in relationships is emotion. Emotion is not real, it fluctuates, who you like so much today you may detest tomorrow. If you do not know how to put emotion behind, you will be controlled, and it may destroy you. Most people who are extremely emotional are always making relationship mistakes. This teaching comes in two dimensions: natural hard truths as counsel, and hard truths from the scripture.

1. You Can Invest and Not "Avest"

   You can put so much into a relationship, cook, wash clothes, clean shoes, and at the end of the day the person walks away and marries somebody else. Don't put in too much into a relationship so that when it doesn't work out you can still walk away. Don't expect loyalty from someone who sees you as charity. It is like business: you do not put in money you will have a headache about if the deal fails. Never put too much into a relationship, until you are married, in fact even people who get married still lose their marriages.

2. Not Everyone Deserves a Second Chance

   There are things people do that, even if they say sorry, should end the relationship, not necessarily the friendship. Any young man who hits you does not deserve a second chance, because the next time it will not just be a slap. If you find someone is also chatting up your friend, excuse yourself from that mess. If you are already crying before you have even fully entered the relationship, walk away. Everyone going through crisis in their marriage today saw all the signs when they were single, but felt the person would change.

3. Marriage Is Not a Waiting Room

   Marriage is a call to higher responsibility, not a period to just sit and wait. If a man is not coming, do your second degree. Learn a trade, learn hair, learn makeup, get busy and arm yourself, so that when the man comes, even without his support you can take care of your children. Many people are discouraged because the very time they should have spent developing themselves was spent waiting.

4. Avoid Unrealistic Standards and Expectations

   Some people are looking for a partner who does not exist. You don't marry what you like, you marry who you are. It is not wrong to have expectations, but unrealistic ones will keep you single: wanting somebody neat and clean while you do not take care of yourself, wanting somebody educated while refusing to improve yourself. The rich generally meet the rich because they hunger together in the same rooms, the same schools, the same circles. Like poles attract. To attract a person of excellence, you must become one. The kind of people who approach you for a relationship tells you the kind of energy you are giving out.

5. Marry Vision, Not Current Condition

   Don't marry a car, it can be lost. Don't marry a shape, it can change after children. Don't marry beauty alone. What keeps a marriage going is vision, something the person wakes up toward, that propels and motivates them, so that even if they lose the car or the house, the vision inside them can bring it all back. Nobody should be in a relationship with someone who is not doing anything, no matter how small the work, because a person who works for money values money, while someone who has never worked for money rarely does. Live your life, not the curated version of a life you experience once in a while.

6. Your Presentation Matters

   How you present yourself matters a lot. Posting a lifestyle you do not actually live, a hotel you slept in once, a moment you do not usually experience, misleads the kind of person you attract, and some prayers for a partner go seemingly unanswered simply because the presentation is false. Be careful what you post. It shows your mind, and content posted today may not be something you are proud of tomorrow. Small things, like how you treat and tip people on a first date, reveal character.

7. Marriage Is Not a Competition

   That everyone around you is getting married should not push you into desperation, and desperation is the key to frustration. A fool at forty is not a fool forever. Time and chance happens to them all. Someone being ahead of you does not mean they are better than you, it is simply their time, and your own time will come. You can start late and still be the latest.

Hard Truths from Scripture

Genesis 24 tells of Abraham sending his servant to find a wife for Isaac.

Location Matters

Abraham made his servant promise not to take a wife for Isaac from the local people, but from his own kindred. Where a partner is from matters. The first location is spiritual: no believer should marry an unbeliever, for the devil becomes a father-in-law to that union. Beyond that, the church and ministry a person comes from matters, since some ministries hold marriage loosely while others hold it with real accountability. Cultural background matters too. Marriages of past generations lasted decades partly because families thoroughly investigated who their children were marrying, checking the family, the character, the background, before any wedding took place. If someone refuses to let you meet their pastor or their people, that reluctance itself is a red flag, because a person who does not respect what you respect does not truly respect you.

Prayer Before Commitment

Genesis 24:12: the servant prayed before he ever approached Rebekah. Prayer is a key in making marital decisions. No matter how much you like someone, take it to prayer, because there are many pretenders the light of God can expose. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to someone, being human, but the attraction should end there in prayer until God confirms it, since emotions and even false prophetic words can mislead. What is often mistaken for love is really restlessness, and restlessness cannot have God's peace in it.

Physical Attraction and Discipline

Genesis 24:16: the young woman was fair to look upon. It is not wrong to be attracted to someone physically, whatever your preference, because ignoring your genuine preferences to marry someone you are not drawn to often resurfaces later as temptation or dissatisfaction. But attraction must be held with discipline. Avoid situations of inappropriate touching, and be cautious of anyone who pushes for physical intimacy before commitment, since a person who has not committed to marrying you but wants physical intimacy first is not serious. If someone leaves because you would not compromise, let them go, the right person is coming.

Character and the Spirit of Service

Genesis 24:17-20: the servant asked Rebekah for water, and she offered to draw water for his ten camels as well, an enormous task, since each camel could drink around thirty gallons. That willingness to serve, without being asked twice, revealed her character. You must love work, and this applies equally to young men, not only young women. Whoever avoids work and expects to be carried through marriage by someone else's labor has a problem to address before marriage, not after.

Declare Your Intentions

Genesis 24:22: only after the servant had observed her character did he give her the gifts that sealed the commitment, a bracelet marking a formal declaration. Many people invest in someone for years, spending money, time, and attention, without ever clearly stating their intentions, leaving the other person to assume a commitment that was never actually made. If you like someone, say so plainly, and let your intentions be known before you invest further. Anything less leaves both people in a situationship, not a relationship.