Is Your Relationship Heading In The Right Direction? by Pastor Mildred Kingsley-Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

God's Original Plan for Marriage

Genesis 2:18-25

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. Therefore I will fashion a suitable partner to be his help and strength." He brought every animal before Adam, but there was none that corresponded with him — no connection, even though they were from the same place. That tells us that just because someone is in your church, just because someone is a Christian, does not mean that is the person you should marry. Some people are meant to be your friends. Some are meant to be your colleagues. Not everyone who crosses your path must end up in dating.

God caused Adam to fall into a deep trance, took a portion of his side, and skillfully crafted a woman. When it comes to marriage, one of the things you must learn how to do is rest. Stop trying to pick by yourself. Let God make you an offer.

If you want to know God's perfect plan concerning anything, go to Genesis 1 and 2 — before the fall of man.

Foundation — The First Requirement

If your marriage is going to last, it needs the right foundation. Every high-rise that collapses does so because of a bad foundation — no matter how beautiful the building.

Your first foundation is your spiritual foundation. If you are not a born-again Christian who has a relationship with God, you will struggle in marriage. It takes God to make a marriage work. It takes the nature of God for a marriage to work.

Opposites generally attract. But when you get into the relationship, the very thing that attracted you begins to annoy you. It takes the Holy Spirit with the fruit of the spirit to help you manage that situation. Marriage requires patience — that is a fruit of the spirit. Marriage requires kindness — that is a fruit of the spirit. Marriage requires temperance and self-control — fruits of the spirit.

If you are a believer, you cannot marry an unbeliever. It is not just about behavior — it is about nature. When you become born again, the Spirit of God changes your nature. If you marry someone who is not born again, your natures will clash, because the spirit and the flesh will always be at war.

Nice is not a fruit of the spirit — it is subject to what you do for someone. But kindness is a fruit of the spirit. Even when you don't deserve it, that person is still good to you because of the kind nature birthed inside them as a child of God. One of the things single people must look out for in a partner is a kind person — someone who anticipates your need before you even have it.

Your second foundation is your natural family. Your parents' marriage has an effect on you whether you like it or not. There are people fighting in marriages today who are not fighting their husband — they are fighting their father. Some people don't understand the concept of submission because they didn't see their mother do it. What has been patterned for you becomes what feels normal.

One of the things we say in counseling: check your normal, because your normal may not be normal.

Friendship — The Second Requirement

Friendship. Too many people start a relationship on the wrong footing. The foundation on which marriage should be built is that the person is your friend.

A friend loves at all times. No matter how annoying a true friend is, you always want to talk to them. If something happens to you — what is the first person you want to tell? That is a good question to ask yourself about someone you are considering marrying.

When I hear married women say, "My husband is doing this and I don't like it. How should I tell him?" I don't understand the question. If he's your friend, you would have already told him. He would not be offended, because you are friends — you can talk.

Four Questions to Ask in a Relationship

For those who are single and in a relationship:

1. Is it working?

   If it's not working now, it won't work in marriage. If he talks to you disrespectfully now, he will talk to you even more disrespectfully in marriage. If he slaps you now, he will give you a sound beating in marriage. People always think they can change a person. It is only God that can change a person. If someone is stingy now, they will be stingier. If they are selfish now, they will be extremely selfish.

2. Is it worth it?

   Is it worth the sacrifices you are making? Are you losing yourself? What does it profit you to gain marriage and lose your soul? Don't marry potential — marry attainment.

3. Is it Word-ruled?

   Does it do what the Word says? Are you having sex before marriage? When you say you love each other, is it the love described in the Word — patient, kind, not keeping records of wrong? Are you jealous when the person gets ahead? Many women have lost their destinies because they are with an insecure man.

4. Is it worship?

   Does your coming together bring God glory? Because ultimately, if we are children of God, everything we do should bring him glory. Your union cannot just be about how you feel. It must be about how you can bring glory to the kingdom of God.

   Marriage is like a triangle: you on this side, your partner on this side, both looking up to God. God is the one who holds the marriage together.

   If your union does not bring God worship, walk away from it. You are citizens of a kingdom — the kingdom of God. When you are getting married, ask yourself: if we come together, what will our union do for this kingdom?

Are you blessed? Let your relationship be built on the right foundation, rooted in friendship, and governed by the Word, to the glory of God.