The Silent Killer Of Marriage by Anwinli Ojeikere: Sermon Notes

Have you ever been wounded in marriage? Not by actions, but by words.

Have you ever heard something from your spouse that stayed longer in your heart than even the problem itself? Then this message is for you.

Job 2:9-10 — Then his wife said to him, do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die. But he said to her, you speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and shall we not accept adversity? In all this, Job did not sin with his lips.

Lesson One: Address the Problem, Not the Person

Notice something very important that Job said. He said, you speak like one of the foolish women speaks. He did not tell his wife, you are foolish. He said, you speak like one of the foolish women speaks. This distinction is everything in marriage.

Many marriages fail not because of actions alone, but majorly because of words. Sometimes people will not really remember how you acted, but they can remember the words you spoke. Words are seed, and it takes time for seeds to be removed once they have grown into a tree.

Job did not attack her identity. He attacked the behavior, the speech. Job corrected what she said, not who she is. So when you tell your spouse you are a fool, not you have acted foolishly, you have attacked the identity — the person, not the problem.

Wrong words can kill identity, and once identity is wounded, love struggles.

We must separate the problem from the person. Because once one's identity is wounded, love will always struggle.

Lesson Two: Separate the Words from the Pain

Job's wife had lost everything — her children, her business, her peace. She was pained. The children all died. The businesses crumbled. She saw Job's body covered in sores from his head to the soles of his feet. His friends came to comfort him and could not even look at his face. How much more someone who sleeps with him every day? That lady spoke from pain.

Job was mature enough to separate her speech from her grief, understanding that she was speaking from pain, not from revelation. He understood that her words were from pain, not that she was like that.

You must learn to separate what your spouse is saying from what your spouse is going through. When we don't do this, we respond to pain with pain. And when pain responds to pain, pain multiplies inside marriage. When pain is multiplied inside marriage, destruction becomes the order.

Lesson Three: Do Not Return Negativity for Negativity

In one of the darkest moments of his life, Job still guarded his lips. In all this — children died, business crumbled, face covered in sores — Job did not sin with his lips.

Your faith is not proven when things are good alone. It is revealed in bad times. What you say is usually a sign of a weak faith or a strong faith. Despite what he was going through, despite the person who was supposed to be closest to him not having the right words, Job did not respond with negativity. He corrected how she spoke, not who she was.

Lesson Four: Unity Does Not Mean Faith Compromise

Being united with your spouse does not ever mean abandoning your faith, your conscience, or joining your spouse in spiritual misalignment. Unity does not mean unity in error.

Job loved his wife so much, but he didn't love her to the point of following her into disbelief. He still stood on his faith in God.

Also, Job didn't say, you must believe what I believe. Don't force faith when your spouse's faith is weak. Don't force them to pray when their prayer life is weak. Don't force it. Allow time and love. Everyone doesn't grow on the same level, and sometimes some people get weaker when there are situations.

Stand in your truth. Stand in what you know. Stand in the word of God. But in all this, allow your posture of love to preach more to your spouse in seasons like this.

Words can either protect identity or poison intimacy.

Job teaches us that even in pain, your lips can be guarded. Before you speak in any circumstance in your marriage, ask yourself: am I addressing the problem or am I attacking the person?

May God give us the wisdom to speak truth without wounding love, and the grace to stand in faith without crushing the people close to us. Guard your words diligently because they carry the power to either preserve or destroy the marriage relationship God is building.