How To Know How Real The Love Is by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

The Word "Love" Is One of the Most Misused Words

Language limits us here — we use one word, "love," for entirely different experiences, and that confusion has caused real damage in relationships. To know how real a love actually is, you first have to know which kind of love you're dealing with.

Counterfeit Love: The Story of Amnon and Tamar

2 Samuel 13 — Amnon claimed to love his half-sister Tamar so intensely that he made himself sick over her. He forced himself on her against her clear objection, and immediately afterward, scripture says he hated her with a hatred greater than the love he claimed to have had, and threw her out. What Amnon called love was never love — it was a counterfeit that collapsed the moment it got what it wanted. Genuine love and this kind of obsessive infatuation can look identical at the start, the way identical twins look alike, which is exactly why so many people mistake one for the other.

Manage Your Emotions — Don't Just Follow Them

Plenty of intelligent, accomplished women make excellent decisions in every area of life except romantic ones, then conclude they're simply "unlucky in love." The real issue is usually emotional management — the ability to correctly identify what you're actually feeling before acting on it. Not everything you feel is a signal to move forward, and not every strong feeling is love.

The First Kind of Love: Sexual and Passionate

This is the excitement and physical attraction that draws two people together, and it's a necessary part of what makes people interested in each other in the first place — but it was never designed to be the foundation a marriage is built on. On its own, it burns intensely and then fades; if there's nothing beneath it, the relationship collapses once the initial intensity settles. Being honest and direct about physical boundaries and expectations, rather than hinting and hoping, protects both people — vague, passive signals leave one partner guessing and the other quietly resentful, and clarity early prevents both.

The Second Kind of Love: Friendship

This is a deeper, sturdier kind of love than the first — "marry your friend" is repeated so often because it's true. Couples who never developed genuine friendship often discover, once external distractions are removed, that they don't actually know or enjoy each other — they can't take a walk together, can't vacation together, and have nothing to talk about once the initial spark settles. That's part of why many marriages that survived on distraction alone struggled once forced into closer, quieter proximity to each other. Real friendship also means learning how your partner processes stress — some people withdraw and need space rather than pressure when something is wrong, and pushing too hard in those moments teaches them to associate you with stress rather than comfort.

The Third Kind of Love: Agape — Sacrificial, Committed Love

This is deliberate, sacrificial love, not a feeling — a loyal, pledged commitment that holds regardless of what you feel on a given day. Scripture specifically instructs women to love their husbands like a friend, and men to love their wives sacrificially — because sacrifice tends to come more naturally to women, while men often have to work harder at prioritizing their spouse's needs ahead of their own preferences, even in small everyday choices.

You are not built to give this third kind of love to more than one person. Sexual attraction can be felt toward many people, and friendship-level connection can exist with several — but agape love, because it's a pledge of integrity and loyalty, is only sustainable as a single, exclusive commitment. Even when other feelings arise elsewhere, agape love means choosing faithfulness to the one person you've pledged yourself to, because that kind of love was never based on feeling in the first place — it's a decision renewed daily.