Love, Dating And Marriage — The Winlos by Pastor Anwinli Ojeikere: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Finding the Suitable One

From Genesis 2:18 (Amplified) — Now the Lord God said: it is not good, beneficial, for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper, one who balances him, a counterpart who is suitable and complimentary for him.

You can actually meet someone who is handsome or fine but the person is not suitable for you. The person can be nice and caring but not suitable for you — there are many nice and caring people that are not marriageable for you. The scripture speaks of someone who is suitable, someone who is fit, someone you can adapt to. Because when you marry a person, you are not just marrying their strength — you are marrying their weakness too. You are marrying someone who supports what you do.

Suitability is something that must be put into consideration. It is like buying a shoe. When you manage something that does not fit you, you get hurt. You realise you keep managing it, trying to make it work, and it never does. So also in marriage — if you do not get the right person, it becomes a problem.

God brought Adam through the process of naming all the animals and discovering that none was suitable for him. He met many creatures — all nice to him, all relating with him in the garden — but none was suitable. Adam had to go through that process. So when God brought Eve, Adam could immediately recognise: this one fits. Some of you say, I have met a lot of people, I don't know what is happening. How many animals did Adam meet? Yet he kept searching until the one that was suitable came.

Don't Go for Love in Your Lonely State

The scripture says it is not good for the man to be alone — not lonely. Lonely is a psychological state. Alone is a physical state. This means a person can be married and still be lonely. It also means that when God was concerned about Adam, it was not because Adam was emotionally unfulfilled — it was because Adam was doing something and needed a partner to partner with him.

You do not need a companion if you don't have something you are doing — because the person is not coming to partner on nothingness. So don't wake up and say you want to get married simply because you feel lonely. That is a psychological state you must deal with in Christ. Go for love because you are in a functional state, not an empty one.

Marriage is for an assignment. You are looking for someone fit for the direction you are going. You must ask: is this person going to support where I am going in life? Is this person going to understand my purpose? Meeting someone in church does not automatically mean they are supportive of where you are going.

Accept and Celebrate Yourself

A lot of people feel lonely because they are not complete within themselves — because they do not appreciate who they are. If you do not have esteem for yourself, you block the right potentials from coming into your life. You also become too quick to fall in love with whoever affirms you.

You are complete in Jesus Christ — not in a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Colossians 2:10 says you are complete in him. When you seek completeness in somebody else, you become vulnerable to the wrong person. You are the one calling all the time. You are the one chasing. And when you are used, you wonder why.

Self-esteem is not people's esteem — it is you esteemeing yourself. Once you accept yourself and know your worth, you stop cheapening yourself. You don't need a man or woman to give you assurance of how beautiful you are. When somebody comes and tells you that you are beautiful, take it as extra — because it does not define you. You are already complete.

If you do not accept yourself, nobody can truly accept you. Take yourself out on your birthday. Buy the cake. Say: I love me. I am the best thing. I am waiting for my husband — he is coming.

Have a Picture of the Marriage You Want

Marriage is not luck. You must picture the kind of marriage you want. What you picture is the principle you live by — to create and fulfil that picture. It is a picture that brings the values you need to demonstrate.

Abraham would not take a wife for Isaac from the Canaanites — they were ungodly. He was ready to send his servant very far to look for a wife that feared God, because he had a picture. He knew what he wanted and was not willing to compromise because of convenience.

Proximity will never equate spirituality. Just because a person is close to your pastor does not make them spirit-filled. Just because a person has a title does not mean they are spirit-filled. Find out the person's personality before looking at the title.

Marry someone who fears God. And ensure you also fear God — because it takes one who is Christlike to recognise who is Christlike. If you do not have a relationship with Christ, how will you know his children?

Maintaining Purity in Relationships

Abstinence cannot be maintained with someone who does not share the same values. Can two walk together except they agree? If you don't have agreed values, you cannot have agreed boundaries. So before entering a relationship, know the things you will not compromise on.

• Know your weakness. Avoid what triggers you. Some people can hug without any issue; others cannot. Know yourself. Whatever boundary you put in place is to protect a lifestyle.
• Be engaged. Sin thrives on idleness. Give yourselves assignment. Have healthy conversations. Pray together. Have a word life together.
• Have a timeline. Get into a relationship when you are thinking of marriage. Nobody goes onto a football pitch without a goal. Why start a relationship when you do not know when it graduates to marriage?
• Get accountability partners. People you are vulnerable to. People who can call you at 9pm and ask where you are. This is what helped many stay pure — not willpower alone, but people watching over them.

The Importance of Counseling and Accountability

In the multitude of counsel there is safety — you cannot navigate life alone. When you are truly in love, you cannot see clearly for yourself. You need people who are pragmatic, who can reason with you while you are emotional. Above all, you need spiritual parents and mentors — because they can see more than what you can see.

Marry a man or woman who is accountable. A man who cannot be led — who nobody can guide — that man cannot lead you. When a man disregards spiritual authority, criticises fathers in the faith, or refuses to submit to anyone — run. Look not only at what a person says in conversation, but at what they do. Look at their comment sections. Look at how they respond to leadership. These are the signs.

Even in marriage, counseling and accountability remain important. There are things you want to say to your spouse that your spouse cannot hear clearly — because they see you as a friend, as a lover. A third party can reason with both of you. Even after eleven years in marriage, having a marriage counselor who can be reported to, who will drive out and have conversations in the car — that is what healthy marriage looks like.

Complementing Each Other in Marriage

Complementing one another means knowing the areas of weakness and strength in each other — and deliberately filling in the gaps. If your spouse is strong in an area where you are weak, give them the lead in that area. If you are stronger in an area, bring your strength to serve the marriage.

Marriage is not competition — it is partnership. You are not trying to find who earns more or who is better. Your goal is that the marriage should be successful. Two different people coming from different socialization processes will disagree. A good marriage is not the absence of conflict — it is the presence of conflict well resolved. Unresolved conflict is what brings failed marriages.

Commitment is not a feeling. There are days you will not feel the spark. You are not less married on those days. You are working. Marriage is work — just as going to work when you do not feel like it. Commit to making it work when you don't feel like it, when there is disagreement, when the dynamic shifts.

Also communicate. Lack of communication can break a marriage. Learn to speak in a way that does not offend, and learn to listen. Prayer keeps the marriage strong. A couple that does not pray is a couple without divine guidance. And find your common interests — take time together intentionally, because when two people stop investing in each other, the marriage begins to drift.

Closing Prayer

Father, we ask that you direct every person here to the one that is suitable for them. For every marriage in this room, bring healing. For every relationship, bring clarity. Let the grace to choose rightly be released. In Jesus name, amen.