Most Couples Miss This Critical Marriage Secret by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

The Strength of Marriage Is Unity

Part of why I am passionate about teaching marriage is because of the amount of blessing in it. I am still pained when I see people whose marriage is not working, or is just existing. The ideal is that the two of you should be driving — should be excelling. Marriage is the most beautiful thing God put on the earth. It does not make sense to embark on it and not enjoy it.

God designed marriage to be better than being single. What is divorce? Divorce is somebody who has tasted marriage and desires being single more than being married — usually because someone did not have the God-designed experience of marriage.

Part of the reason that happens is because people are not adequately equipped. We prepare for everything else. Why do we have successful doctors with unsuccessful marriages? The doctor spent seven years studying medicine and zero years studying marriage. We have more successful weddings than successful marriages — because people apply principles of success to the wedding and none to the marriage itself.

Unity vs. Union

The strength of marriage is the five-letter word: unity.

Many people focus on the union of marriage instead of the unity of marriage. The real blessing of marriage is not the union. It is the unity that brings the power.

You get the union automatically the day you are joined. But the unity has to be worked on.

Two are only better than one if there is unity. Two are worse than one if there is no unity. If two people are working together but not in sync, the second person delays and scatters rather than helps. Is somebody getting what I am saying?

Point one: it is not the union that is blessed. It is the unity that is blessed. That is why you can be married and your life goes downward — your life becomes horrible. All of us know people who were happier, richer, healthier, more spiritual — until they got married.

Point two: the union is automatic the day you are joined. The unity requires intentionality. You can be in the union and not have unity. The Bible said therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. Cleave is an active word. It means to hold something tightly. It is something you are doing consciously — it will not just happen on its own.

If things are left on their own, the natural outcome is that you drift apart. Unity requires a deliberate, ongoing effort.

God's Design: Complementing Each Other

The first biblical purpose of marriage is to complement each other. The second — which is what we are discussing — is to collaborate together.

Everybody comes with certain strengths and certain weaknesses. Nobody comes with all the strengths they need. The way God does it, He pairs people who complement each other. Opposites attract: talkers attract listeners, spenders attract savers, spontaneous people attract planners, scattered people attract the organized.

Neither is bad. There are times when you need a spontaneous person — some opportunities open up that you cannot plan for. And there are many other times when you need a planner. God in His wisdom put the two together.

When they join back to back, they no longer have weaknesses. The things that were his weaknesses — she is standing there now. The things that were her weaknesses — he covers. This union, because of their unity, now has no weakness.

Ecclesiastes 4:9 — two are better than one; they have a good reward for their labour. It is better to have a partner than to go alone — share the work and share the wealth.

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Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo

David's Christian Centre, Lagos (DCC).

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Ecclesiastes 4:12 — a person standing alone can be attacked. But two can stand back to back and conquer. He said three are even better, for a three-braided cord is not broken. That third person is God. When you put God at the center, it is totally unbeatable.

But if he is going his way and she is going her way, their back is open again. They are in a union but as exposed as when they were single.

The Power of Agreement

Synergy: the interaction or cooperation of two or more agents to produce a combined effect greater than the sum of their separate effects.

If the woman produces 10,000 and the husband produces 10,000, apart they total 20,000. But in unity, in synergy, together it can be 50,000 or 100,000. That is the law of synergy — scientifically proven and biblically rooted.

Matthew 18:19 — if two of you shall agree on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father will do it for you.

Anything. That is a blank check. Anything covers everything. You can agree about the children you will have, how they will turn out, where you will live, what you will build. There is nothing I and my wife have agreed about that has not happened in over twenty years of marriage. Nothing — except we had not agreed.

When we agreed that we would buy a house in the estate where we rented, we could not even conveniently pay the rent at the time we agreed. Today we had two properties there.

When we agreed in a car one Monday that we believed God for a million dollars — on the Thursday of that same week, someone knocked at our door and brought a bag with $100,000 in cash.

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If you are a married person, you have a blank check. Many couples are not cashing it. You are fighting — arguing about who should win. But the person who wrote the check is not complaining. Why are you arguing? Be agreeing.

The Four Pillars of Unity

1. Conversation

   If you do not talk to your spouse, you can never be in unity. You cannot make decisions on your own. Men are usually the ones guilty of this — we think and we just move. You must have conversations. And when you have them, you are not imposing your own idea. Your idea is not necessarily superior. When you allow a woman to talk, she always has an aspect you are not seeing.

   Sometimes the person will not agree that day — they need time to process. Drop the hints. Let the thing work in their heart. Give the Holy Spirit room to work on their heart as well. Be able to listen without replying immediately. You do not have to respond the same day. Some things — keep them in your heart for a while.

2. Consideration

   Many people are too stingy — borderline wicked — toward their own spouse. There are people who hate seeing their partner happy. If there is one person you should be happy to see happy in this world, it is your spouse.

   Proverbs 31 — she will do him good all the days of his life. Your desire should be to bless your spouse. Be considerate. Do not come up with ideas that stress your partner for no reason. Anything that stresses your spouse should stress you.

   What breaks a home most times is selfishness. 1 Corinthians 7 — the husband's job is to please his wife, and the wife's job is to please her husband. Your whole task as you wake up in the morning is: how do I serve or please my spouse?

3. Compromise

   Unity does not mean you will agree on everything. That is the mistake people make. Many women think submission means they only submit when they already agree. No — a lot of times you will not agree naturally, and one person needs to compromise.

   If two people are walking together, either one keeps up with the other's pace, or one slows down for the other. Two people who never adjusted to each other cannot keep pace by chance.

   You will never get unity if you always want your way, when you want it, how you want it. Compromise with a good attitude. Not that you compromise and everybody has to appease you afterward with a squeezed face.

4. Cooperation

   You have to be intentional about working together. It is a deliberate effort. Some people cannot even maintain unity in front of their children. If one person has given an order, the other must publicly agree, at minimum. If you disagree, handle it privately later. Once children discover you are not united, they will keep exploiting it — they know exactly which parent to approach for what.

   It takes conscious effort to cooperate. To say: I agree with my spouse. I am choosing unity. The beauty is that the more you build it, the more you become synchronized — naturally, without effort. There will come a point where you already know what the other will want. That is the goal.

When you get these four things — conversation, consideration, compromise, cooperation — you will constantly be cashing that open check God has given you.