Red Flags In Relationships by Rev. Christie Bature: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Obvious red flags

• Physical violence, actual or threatened
• Abuse: verbal, psychological, physical, financial, spiritual
• Dismissiveness: ignoring or belittling you
• Flirting with the opposite sex, then calling it "just being friendly"
• Unwillingness to apologize
• Disrespect or demeaning behavior, then calling it "just a joke"

Signs of a future abuser

• Believes men are superior to women, or that he owns you and can control your thoughts and actions
• Talks about women in demeaning generalizations
• Justifies, minimizes, or denies their own actions instead of taking responsibility
• Blames you or others for their own failures
• Gaslights you into thinking you are crazy
• Turns from charming to cynical or sarcastic with little warning
• Makes you walk on eggshells, unsure what will set them off
• Flies into rages for no clear reason
• Has already been violent, or you are constantly afraid they will become violent
• Blames you for their own violence, "you made me hit you"
• Is charming in public but a controlling bully in private

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An inability to express emotions is not itself a reason to leave; it's a skill that can be developed together. Physical violence is different: don't stay in the relationship, let the person get help first.

Childhood trauma to watch for

• Did they grow up in an abusive home, or witness a parent battering the other?
• Were they themselves battered or sexually abused as a child?
• Do they have low self-esteem, or an irrational desire to please one parent?

More warning patterns

• Criticism: constantly critical of you and others; makes you feel you can't survive without them; mocks your hopes and dreams; discourages your education or growth.
• Isolation: insists on doing everything together; resents time with family and friends; wants every detail of your calls and mail.
• Jealousy: suspicious of everyone you talk to; accuses you of cheating or dressing to attract others.
• Control: requires permission for outings; criticizes your appearance; tracks your time; must always be right.
• Threats and physical abuse: threatens to harm you, your family, or your friends; has grabbed, choked, or pushed you; drives recklessly to scare you; pressures you sexually against your will.
• Spiritual superiority: uses scripture to justify controlling you; says punishment is "for your own good"; mocks your relationship with God.

What a red flag actually is

Red flags are warning signals that something in a relationship is unhealthy, unsafe, or misaligned with God's design, not the minor imperfections everyone has. A true red flag is a pattern: consistent, unrepentant, harmful, and escalating.

Proverbs 27:12

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.

5 biblical red flags

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Rev. Christie Bature
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1. Disregard for God

   Someone who openly mocks or rejects God's authority, or simply lives without reverence for him. Psalm 14:1

2. Persistent dishonesty

   Habitual lying or deception; trust cannot grow where truth is absent. Proverbs 12:22

3. Uncontrolled anger

   Frequent rage, intimidation, or verbal violence, one of the strongest predictors of abuse. Proverbs 22:24-25

4. Lack of self-control

   Addictions, impulsive behavior, or inability to restrain desire. Galatians 5:22-23

5. Disrespect or contempt

   Belittling, mocking, or humiliating you and then calling it a joke. Ephesians 4:29

4 cultural red flags

1. Entitlement based on gender or status, such as "men must control women" or "women must endure anything to keep a marriage."
2. Family toxicity normalized through sayings like "that's just how men behave" or "marriage is suffering."
3. Reputation over integrity: caring more about public image than private character.
4. Cultural pressure to rush commitment before proper discernment.

5 psychological red flags

1. Extreme jealousy or possessiveness, statements like "you belong to me."
2. Emotional volatility: sudden mood swings and unpredictable explosive reactions.

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3. Lack of empathy, unable to enter into your pain or suffering.
4. Chronic victim mentality, always blaming others and never taking responsibility.
5. Addictive or compulsive behavior, especially when hidden or denied.

Social red flags

• Isolation tactics that cut you off from family, friends, mentors, or spiritual community.
• Consistent conflict with almost everyone they know.
• No long-term friendships and constant drama.
• Refuses correction or accountability. Proverbs 12:1
• A different personality in public than in private.

4 discernment questions to ask before committing

1. Does this person's life reflect God's values?
2. Does their behavior create safety or anxiety?
3. Do the people who know them best respect them?
4. Are these patterns improving or worsening?

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Subtle red flags Christians ignore

• Spiritual language without spiritual fruit: quoting scripture while being harsh and unkind, visible in church while dishonest in daily life. Matthew 7:16
• Possessiveness disguised as love: "I love you too much to share you with anyone." Even God shared his son with the world.
• Resistance to growth: refusing to learn, change, or reflect, which eventually limits the growth of the whole relationship.

Why we ignore red flags even when we see them

1. Attraction overrides discernment

   Intense attraction releases dopamine, which clouds judgment. Samson repeatedly ignored Delilah's clear warning signs.

2. The desire to fix or rescue someone

   Love can support growth, but it cannot substitute for personal accountability. Galatians 6:5

3. Fear of loneliness

   Someone who brings nothing positive is only half, not a whole. God places the lonely in families. Psalm 68:6

4. Cultural or social pressure

   Pressure to marry quickly or avoid embarrassment can override obvious concerns.

5. Spiritual misinterpretation

   Mistaking tolerance of harm for forgiveness or endurance. Wisdom and boundaries matter too. Matthew 10:16

6. The hope that things will improve

   Patterns rarely change without intentional effort and accountability.

7. Gradual escalation

   Harmful behavior builds slowly, like a toad in water heated gradually, so people adjust to each new level of dysfunction instead of noticing it.

Conclusion

Love requires compassion. Wisdom requires discernment. A healthy relationship requires both.