Red Flags In Relationships by Rev. Christie Bature: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Many people see red flags but forge ahead anyway. Some do not recognize them at all. This message covers how to recognize red flags in relationships, and why they get ignored even when they are seen.

The Obvious Red Flags

• Physical violence, whether actual or threatened.
• Abuse, whether verbal, psychological, physical, financial, or spiritual.
• Dismissiveness, ignoring or belittling a partner when they speak.
• Flirting with the opposite sex and dismissing concern about it as simply "being friendly."
• Unapologetic or defensive behavior.
• Disrespectful or demeaning conduct, followed by "it was just a joke."

Signs of a Future Abuser

• A superior attitude toward the opposite sex, believing they own you or have a right to control your thoughts or actions. Sweeping, demeaning generalizations about men or women are a warning sign.
• Refusal to take responsibility, justifying, minimizing, or denying their own actions, or blaming a partner for their own failures.
• Gaslighting, denying their actions and making a partner doubt their own sanity.
• A hateful, sarcastic personality that shifts with little or no warning, so that others walk on eggshells around them.
• Flying into rage without apparent reason, or being violent, and then blaming the victim for provoking the violence.
• Acting charming and compassionate in public while becoming a controlling bully in private.
• Inability to express or discuss emotions. This alone is not a reason to leave a relationship, it is a skill that can be developed, but physical violence should not be tolerated while waiting for someone to change.
• Poor handling of stress and frustration, reacting to correction as though it were judgment.
• A childhood marked by an abusive home, witnessing a parent battered, being battered or sexually abused as a child, low self-esteem, or an irrational desire to please a parent.

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• A critical attitude, mocking others, or making a partner feel they cannot survive without them.
• Isolation tactics: insisting on doing everything together, becoming moody when a partner spends time with others, forbidding outside relationships, or demanding to know every detail of calls and messages.
• Jealousy: suspicion of everyone a partner speaks to, accusations of cheating or of dressing to attract attention, and resentment of time spent with family and friends.
• The need for control: requiring permission for ordinary activities, dictating appearance, demanding constant accountability for time, and always insisting on being right.
• Threats and physical abuse: threatening a beating, threatening harm to family or friends, choking, pushing, grabbing, reckless driving meant to frighten, or pressuring a partner into acts against their will and values.
• Spiritual superiority: using scripture to justify controlling behavior, claiming a God-given right to punish a partner "for their own good," or mocking a partner's relationship with God.

What a Red Flag Actually Is

Red flags are warning signals that something in a relationship may be unhealthy, unsafe, or misaligned with God's design. They are not minor imperfections, everyone has faults and pet peeves. A red flag is a pattern, something repeated over and over, that signals potential harm, dysfunction, or incompatibility.

Proverbs 27:12

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty. Ignoring warning signs is not wisdom.

Four Kinds of Red Flags

1. Biblical Red Flags

   Behavior that contradicts the character and values God expects of His people. Scripture provides the moral and spiritual benchmark for relationships.

   • Disregard for God, openly mocking or rejecting God's authority. Psalm 14:1 The fool says there is no God, whether spoken outright or lived out through a life without reverence for Him.
   • Persistent dishonesty, habitual lying or deception. Proverbs 12:22 Trust cannot grow where truth is absent.
   • Uncontrolled anger, frequent rage, intimidation, or verbal violence. Proverbs 22:24-25 Anger is one of the strongest predictors of an abusive relationship, and it is never a small shortcoming.
   • Lack of self-control, addictions, impulsive behavior, or inability to restrain desire. Galatians 5:22-23 Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit; a person without it becomes unsafe in relationship.
   • Disrespect or contempt, belittling, mocking, or humiliating behavior excused as "just a joke." Ephesians 4:29 Respect is foundational to covenant relationships.

2. Cultural Red Flags

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   Rev. Christie Bature

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   Belief systems or social conditioning that produce unhealthy relationship expectations.

   • Entitlement based on gender or status, beliefs that men must control women or that women must endure anything to keep a marriage.
   • Family toxicity normalized through statements like "that's just how men behave" or "marriage is suffering."
   • Reputation prioritized over integrity, caring more about public image than private character.
   • Cultural or family pressure to rush into commitment before proper discernment.

3. Physiological or Psychological Red Flags

   These relate to emotional regulation, mental stability, and behavior rooted in the psyche. Not all of these indicate evil intent, some point to unhealed wounds or psychological distress needing professional attention.

   • Extreme jealousy or possessiveness, statements like "you belong to me," which often escalate into control. No partner should try to cut someone off from God, family, or friends.
   • Emotional volatility, sudden mood swings or explosive, unpredictable reactions.
   • Lack of empathy, an inability to enter into another person's pain, a major predictor of abusive dynamics.
   • Chronic victim mentality, always blaming others and never taking responsibility, which makes personal growth impossible.
   • Addictive or compulsive behavior, substance abuse, gambling, or pornography, especially when hidden or denied. Addiction occupies portions of the brain that would otherwise be available, so an addict always performs below capacity, and the partner absorbs the effects.

4. Social Red Flags

   Warning signs visible in how someone relates to others and navigates community, since relationships do not exist in isolation.

   • Isolation tactics, cutting a partner off from family, friends, mentors, or spiritual community, always intended to increase control.
   • Consistent conflict with nearly everyone, broken relationships across the board, and constant drama.
   • Lack of accountability, refusing correction. Proverbs 12:1 Whoever hates correction is without knowledge; healthy people accept feedback.
   • A different public and private personality, charming publicly but very different behind closed doors.

A red flag is usually consistent, unrepentant, harmful, and escalating. Not every weakness carries all four of those marks, but when it does, it is a red flag zone.

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Four Discernment Questions

1. Does this person's life reflect God's values?
2. Does their behavior create safety or anxiety?
3. Do the people who know them best respect them?
4. Are these patterns improving or worsening?

Proverbs 4:23

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Discernment is not cynicism, it is wisdom protecting the future God intends.

Subtle Red Flags Christians Tend to Ignore

• Spiritual language without spiritual fruit, someone who speaks constantly about God while their life shows none of the fruit of the Spirit. Matthew 7:16 You will know them by their fruits, quoting scripture while remaining harsh and unkind, or being highly visible in church while dishonest in daily life.
• Possessiveness disguised as love: "I love you too much, I cannot share you with anyone." God loved His Son so much that He shared Him with the world; possessiveness is not love, it is control.
• Resistance to growth: resisting learning, change, or personal reflection. A person who refuses to grow will eventually limit the growth of the relationship.

Why We Ignore Red Flags Even When We See Them

Seeing danger and responding to it are two different things. Many people notice warning signs but minimize, rationalize, or override them.

1. Attraction Overrides Discernment

   Strong emotional or physical attraction floods the brain with chemicals that create excitement and reward, making people overlook serious issues, with thoughts like "nobody is perfect" or "maybe I'm overreacting." Samson repeatedly ignored Delilah's clear pattern of betrayal because of attraction, even after she had already tried to weaken him more than once.

2. The Desire to Fix or Rescue Someone

   Compassion is noble, but it becomes unhealthy when someone believes, "if I love them enough, they will change." Galatians 6:5 Each person must carry their own responsibility. Love can support growth, but it cannot substitute for personal accountability.

3. Fear of Loneliness

   The fear of being alone can outweigh the fear of a bad relationship, producing thoughts like "at least I have someone." Psalm 68:6 God places the lonely in families, and loneliness should never force anyone into a harmful relationship.

4. Cultural or Social Pressure

   Pressure to marry quickly, maintain a relationship at all costs, or avoid public embarrassment can cause people to override obvious concerns even after red flags have already surfaced.

5. Spiritual Misinterpretation

   Forgiveness, patience, and endurance are sometimes misread as a requirement to tolerate harmful behavior. Matthew 10:16 Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. Grace does not mean ignoring danger.

6. The Hope That Things Will Improve

   Hope can delay necessary decisions, with thoughts like "they will change after marriage." Patterns, being consistent and escalating by definition, rarely change without intentional effort and accountability.

7. Gradual Escalation

   Harmful behavior tends to appear slowly. One unkind sentence, then months of quiet, then a harsher one, until cruelty becomes normal. Like a toad placed in water that is heated gradually rather than dropped into water already boiling, people acclimatize to each new level of dysfunction without noticing how far it has gone.

Closing Questions

• Have I ever ignored warning signs because of attraction or pressure?
• Do I sometimes confuse compassion with responsibility?
• Am I afraid of walking away from unhealthy situations?
• What role does wisdom play in my relationship decisions?

Love requires compassion, but wisdom requires discernment. A healthy relationship requires both.