Straight Talk On Sex Marriage And Relationships by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Recap: Seven Promises for Singles

Let us quickly recap the seven promises made. Number one: pursue pure worship — grow your own life with God. That is the foundation for success in anything. Number two: pursue purpose. That is where fulfillment lies. The whole idea of marriage is to help you fulfill purpose. Adam already had a purpose, then God said He would find him a helper. Before the helper comes, there must be something the helper is coming to help you do.

Purpose doesn't always arrive as a dramatic heavenly announcement. Sometimes it is your frustrations or your passions that are pointing you to your interest. Moses knew his calling because he was frustrated about how the Egyptians were treating the Israelites — that had always been his calling.

Number three: pursue principles. A lot of things that principles will solve, some people are fasting and praying about. There are people who have gone ahead of you who can tell you the principles of what you are trying to do. Once you have the principles, it will work cheaply. There are principles to attracting the right spouse, principles to choosing the right spouse, principles to keeping the right spouse.

Number four: development — you must grow to become mature. Marriage will test your maturity. Number five: pursue progress.

Your Single Years Are Your Building Years

Your single years are not just the time you are marking time before marriage. They are your test period, your marketing period. Whatever you would do with somebody in your life — start doing it for yourself now. The Bible says two should be better than one; you cannot join two problems together.

Now that your life is your only project, what have you added to your life? How are you improving your life now that you are alone? That is how you show what you would do with somebody else's life when it is given to you.

If you are going to attract the right person, you must first be the kind of person that can attract that person. Your single years are for building. The things you do with your life right now, while single, make you a better candidate — not just more eligible, but genuinely better.

Going to school is great, but whether or not you are in school, what other thing are you adding to yourself to become a better person? What are your interests? What are your hobbies? Sometimes those interests and those places are where you even meet your spouse. That is how I found my wife — through a reunion event where she was delegated to bake a cake. She had taken time to learn baking during her free time. Pursuing your purpose and your passion — that is where you meet the right person. But if your whole job is just to meet somebody, you keep meeting the wrong people.

Marriage is not a goal in itself. Being married is not a goal. What other interests do you have? Pursue them. You will be amazed who you meet in the line of duty.

Properly Name the Relationships in Your Life

Not everybody who enters your life is for marriage. Adam gave names to all the cattle, to the birds of the air — and the Bible said for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him. He was actually checking them out, and he could tell none of them were suitable.

In your journey for finding the right person, do not enter a desperate marriage mode. You must be able to properly name the relationships that you come across. Some people are just your friends. Some people are your brother or sister in the Lord. Some people are your mentees or your mentors. Not everyone you see, you must date.

There are many vital relationships you need on your journey. Sometimes the person you first meet is not the one you marry — they are the one who connects you to the one you marry. Do not spoil divine relationships God brings to your life.

Some men aim to sleep with every woman that crosses their path, missing vital relationships in the process. You are incurring enemies and damaging the very network God placed around you.

Don't send conflicting and confusing messages. It is okay to have someone you just share the Bible with and share life with — nothing more. When you consistently give emotional signals without clarity, you block the genuine prospects who sense you are emotionally occupied.

God Is the Real Matchmaker

Nobody on earth can really know your spec. They can only imagine. The person who will really make you happy — only God knows, and God doesn't just choose a person for you today; He helps you choose a person for your future. So some of you, if your spouse were brought to you right now, you might not even recognise them. It is as the years go that you begin to see things inside the person and say, I would have missed this.

You need to learn to trust God. Sometimes God needs to separate you — the things He wants to do in you, He cannot do while you are in a relationship. He brings you out, works on you, repackages you, then gives you to somebody who will see you with fresh eyes.

person

Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo

David's Christian Centre, Lagos (DCC).

Enjoying this sermon? Browse more messages by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo on Marriage at ReadSermons.

library_books More Sermons

The 10 C's: What to Look for in a Spouse

The aim is not to make it to the altar. The aim is happiness and fulfillment. Many people do not even know what qualities to look for. Someone said they want somebody tall, dark, and handsome — there are many criminals who are tall, dark, and handsome. You must articulate what you really want. I want somebody rich — that is not what you want; you want financial security. I want a graduate — that is not what you want; you want somebody intelligent. You must get deeper than the surface.

1. Christ

   The first C: the person must be in Christ. If you are a born-again Christian, you must marry another born-again Christian. If you see somebody's soul going to hell, your first mission should not be to marry them — it should be to save them. To want to marry somebody on their way to hell means you are a user. You do not care about their eternal destination as long as they make you happy. That is not love — it is selfishness.

   Anybody without Christ is on their way to hell. Being in Christ is different from being moral — they are two different things. Someone in Christ is a new creature; all things have passed away, all things have become new. The kind of love God wants in marriages — I do not believe it can be given by someone who does not have Jesus. The poorest person in the kingdom of God is better than a billionaire who does not have Christ. There are virtues only believers can access.

   Also understand the order of marriage: the head of every man is Christ, the head of the woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God — 1 Corinthians 11:3. For a woman to submit her life under a man, she needs to make sure that man is submitted under Christ. The reason many women are afraid to submit is that they have submitted themselves to someone who is not submitted to another. If a man is not under Christ, there is only one other person he is under.

   The Bible makes it clear: do not be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. It will drain you. It will drain the destiny out of you.

2. Character

   The second C: the person's character. Not everyone in Christ and not everyone in church is someone you can marry. A church is a hospital. It is not everyone here who is well. Some are responding to treatment; some are not. Just because you see someone in church does not mean it is okay.

   That is why you must always talk to your pastor. Ask: what is their behaviour like? What is their lifestyle? Are they still a heavy drinker, still shouting, still insulting? Check their character.

   You may also like

   

   Breaking Free From Self-sabotage Part 1

   by Pastor Dolapo Lawal

   arrow_forward

   If you are a real Christian, you can tell people who have genuinely been born again. If you talk to someone for 30 minutes, you know what controls their life. Something leaps inside — there is a spiritual connection. If somebody is faking it just giving lingo, you can tell.

3. Companionship

   The third C: companionship. The mistake many people make is that they find a wife or husband and then try to make the person their friend. No — amongst your friends, make one of them your husband or wife. Anyone who cannot make it as your friend will not make it as your spouse.

   Marriage is about friendship. How many hours are in a day? 24. If you are good Christians and pray together for one hour, and have sex for one hour — what will you be doing for the other 22 hours? Friendship. Talking. Sharing life.

   Your spouse is meant to be your best friend. If you are getting your core companionship from somewhere else outside your marriage, something is wrong. There should be no other person who enjoys your spouse's company more than you do.

   When you are single and you meet someone, don't pretend, don't perform. Don't bring marriage into the discussion too quickly. Just see if you can like this person as a friend. Go on some low-pressure dates. Remove sex. If you cannot talk and enjoy talking alone, you will not make it as a marriage.

Clarity and Terms

Women, be careful not to let someone keep your relationship undefined. A situationship has no real commitment. You can be kept in one for five years, ten years. Ask what kind of relationship this is. In fact, in the ideal setting, a guy should remain friends with you until he is sure you are the kind of person he wants to marry — then he steps up and defines it clearly.

One of the questions wise women should ask: when do you want to marry me? Do not start a relationship without the ending in view. Nobody enters university without a projected graduation date. It is vision that brings provision. He may not have all the money now, but once the vision is set, you can start working towards it.

A man does better when he is challenged. What he does not work for, he does not value. Jacob worked for seven years, and when they gave him the wrong person, he worked another seven years. He was motivated by what he wanted. Let the man know the terms and conditions.

Among the terms and conditions: who are his mentors? Who is he accountable to? This man is going to be the head of the home. He needs someone he is submitted to — someone who can talk to him, someone he will listen to, someone who can show him how marriage is done.

Do not marry a freelance Christian — one who goes to this church this week and that one next week. He has nobody he is submitted to. He must have a church he belongs to, that knows him.

The Fourth C: Counsel

The Bible says in the multitude of counselors there is safety. Do not just jump into anything. Talk to somebody who is not in love with that person — let them look at the scenario for you, interview both of you, counsel both of you. Counseling goes a long way. Your pastor can see things you cannot see when you are in love.

One of my closest friends wanted to get married to someone I had concerns about. He did not want to hear it. He married her secretly. Less than a year later, the marriage was over. There are things your pastor can see.

What Men Must Provide

Men, there are seven things you can provide in your house, and only one of them involves money. Unfortunately, most men have been trained to believe that money is the main thing.

One of the most important things a man provides is accountability. A man is the head of the home — but are you the kind of head people want to submit to? It is not about authority — it is about responsibility. Do you love them enough? Are you taking leadership enough?

When I was dating my wife, the moment we agreed we were going to marry, I took her to my mentors. I told her: these are my mentors. If any day you cannot get through to me, you cannot influence me, come and talk to them. I give them licence to speak into my life. Ladies, among the terms and conditions: marry a man you can talk to, not someone you are afraid of. Your spouse must be your friend.

Women have more wisdom than they are given credit for. They can perceive things. They have the gift of intuition. That is why you needed the partnership — God said it is not good for man to be alone. Tap into your wife's wisdom. She can see where you cannot see. Together — that is how it is meant to work.