What Every Single Should Know Before Marriage by Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

God has always believed in the family. It is the first institution He constituted. If God had that much faith in government, He would have made Adam a president before He made him a husband and father. If He had that much faith in education, He would have made Adam a principal. If He had that much faith in church, He would have made Adam a pastor. The first thing God made was a husband and a father. Every other structure, government, education, church, came after the family failed.

Most of the work done in ministry is work that was never done at home. Many of the difficult people in church are people with unresolved father issues from home. Scripture says a man must first manage his own house well before he can be trusted to lead in the house of God.

Singleness Is a Gift, Not a Curse

Your single years are a blessing you should embrace, not a curse you should try to escape. Many people are unhappy in marriage because what they expected marriage to be is not what they experienced. It is easier to be happy single than married. Once married, the twenty four hours that were entirely yours are now divided, and the money that was entirely yours is now shared. Children will take their own portion of your time, money and energy.

Singleness is not the years spent waiting to marry. It is the years spent preparing for destiny. Prayer time is fuller now than it will be with children interrupting. This is a period to build spiritual depth, not to mark time.

It is good to desire a relationship, but it is better to be ready for one. There is a difference between desire and desperation. When someone is desperate to marry, it usually means they do not like their own company. Work on yourself first. The same way you dream of who you want to marry, that person is dreaming of who they want to marry, so ask whether you are the kind of person you are hoping to attract.

Seven Areas to Develop While Single

The woman described in Proverbs 31 is a picture of a fully developed person. She shows seven areas every single person should be building.

1. Spiritual Development

   Proverbs 31:30

   Favour is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised. The fear of the Lord is not terror of punishment, it is reverence. Sin itself is the punisher: when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin, and sin when it is finished brings forth death James 1:15. God is not striking people down for their sin; sin carries its own consequences the way disobedience carries consequences for a child being corrected out of love. Ask yourself where you stand spiritually. Have you learned to hear God for yourself, not just about marriage, but about everything.


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Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo
David's Christian Centre, Lagos (DCC).
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2. Domestic Development

   Proverbs 31:27

   She looks well to the ways of her household. Can you cook. Can you keep your own space in order. Marriage is daily life together, so learn the basic disciplines of running a home before you are in one. This applies equally to men and women.

3. Mental Development

   Proverbs 31:26

   She opens her mouth with wisdom, and in her tongue is the law of kindness. How many books have you read. Many people invest everything into attracting a spouse and nothing into keeping one, which is why the industries built around attraction are far larger than the industries built around sustaining a marriage. Shape can attract a man, but being sharp is what keeps him. As people grow, they move from physical stimulation to mental stimulation, and a mind that has nothing to offer beyond appearance will eventually struggle to hold interest. Proverbs 11:22 puts it plainly: a beautiful woman without discretion is like a jewel of gold in a swine's snout. Beauty is a gift you were given; sense is something you have to develop, and if you neglect it, that is on you. Read widely, stay curious, look up every unfamiliar word you hear.

4. Financial Development

   Proverbs 31:24

   She makes fine linen and sells it, and delivers girdles to the merchant. Marriage costs money. Love is costly: God so loved the world that He gave the most valuable thing He had. Start managing money now, even as a student, on whatever little you receive. Practice giving and tithing. Look for what you can offer that others need. Everyone was given a gift on the way into this life; the question is whether you are consuming that gift only on yourself or developing it into something that can serve and provide for others.

5. Physical Development

   Proverbs 31:22

   She makes herself coverings of tapestry, her clothing is fine linen and purple. People see you before they hear you. Learn to dress well, stay clean, present yourself with care. This does not require wealth. Physical development also means maturing with age. Statistically, the younger a person is when they choose a life partner, the less grounded that choice tends to be, because the range of what a person values changes drastically from the teenage years into their twenties and thirties.

6. Social Development

   Proverbs 31:20

   She stretches out her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. This is emotional intelligence, knowing how to relate to different people at different levels, acknowledging people, recognising their needs. Many marriages struggle simply because one spouse never learned to affirm the other in small, ordinary ways.

7. Moral Development

   Proverbs 31:10-11

   Who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts in her. This is character, the kind that has been tested and proven trustworthy over time.

Guard Your Purity

If someone tells you they cannot control themselves sexually, believe them, that is exactly what they are telling you. It has nothing to do with how much they love you and everything to do with self-control. Fornication is the early stage of adultery. It is rare to find a couple struggling with unfaithfulness in marriage who kept themselves disciplined as singles.

Kissing is part of the sexual act, not separate from it. Sex is not one isolated moment, it is a whole progression, and treating any part of that progression casually before marriage misses the point entirely. Scripture does not tell us to resist sexual temptation the way we resist the devil, it tells us to flee it 1 Corinthians 6:18. Can a man carry fire in his lap and his clothes not be burned Proverbs 6:27. God is not asking you to test how close you can get without falling; He is asking you to run.

Purity does not begin with the act, it begins in the mind. If you are already negotiating how far is too far, you have missed the point. Keep your mind clean, not just your body.