How To Do Family Life Right by Pastor Mildred Kingsley-Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

God's Original Design for Marriage

In Genesis 2:18, God said it is not good for this man to live alone. He would make a helper who is right for him. He took soil from the ground and made all the animals and the birds and brought them to the man. And whatever the man called each living thing, that became its name. The man gave names to the livestock, to the birds of the air, to all the other animals, but none of these animals was the right helper for the man. So the Lord God caused the man to sleep.

God did not force anybody on this man. He brought these animals to the man and it was what this man called them that they became. That means it is not everyone that comes into your life that is for marriage. Just because the person is fine. Just because the person is born again. Somebody may be good, but are they good for you?

Sadly in this generation, we have made a mess of marriage. Every time I read Genesis 2, I see such a beautiful thing that God had planned out — that He made man and blessed this man and gave this man an assignment. But after a while, God said: it is not good for this man to be like this. This man needs a helper. Someone comparable to him. Someone suitable and adaptable to his needs. Someone that will not complain about his weaknesses, but will realize that her strength should cover for his weaknesses.

Social Media Cannot Pastor Your Marriage

These days we do not go to the word to be pastored. We live on social media. So social media pastors us. The problem with that is that social media did not create marriage. So at best what they can give you is an inferior image or an inferior interpretation of what they think marriage is supposed to be.

This is from this point that you hear the misconception about soulmates — that there's only one person for you. That is keeping a lot of people single. God will bring along your path many godly options. It is up to you to call them what they should be. God will send you this beautiful girl and she's just your choir assistant. It is what you call them that they become.

Marriage Is an Assignment, Not a Reward

You marry first for God, for kingdom, and for duty — not just for love. Even an unbeliever in a series about kingdoms said: as a king, you don't marry just for love. You marry for God, for country, and for duty. If anybody should understand this, we who are kings and priests wish to understand it even more.

The reason why we do not take marriage seriously is because we do not understand that it is one of God's greatest tools for evangelism. The reason why we don't do marriage well is because we don't understand that God sent marriage into our lives to make us mature in Christ. The real purpose for marriage — it is supposed to mirror your relationship with Christ and have you reflect it to the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

Marriage is not a reward. It is an assignment. God is sending you into somebody's life to partner with that person — whether you are male or female — to get them to their destiny.

The God Factor: How I Found My Husband

I will share with you how the God factor is so key. I was in a relationship for five years after university, and we had done introduction because he was going to do his masters in the UK. Along the way, I had been diagnosed with PCOS — a medical condition — and they had told me I would not be able to have children. So meeting a doctor who lived in the UK seemed absolutely perfect — it seemed God had solved my problem.

But because I had learned how to hear God, one morning He said He wanted to speak to me. I went to my room, got on my knees, and as I started to pray, the light came back and a Johnny McCurkin song started playing — the one that says, What if I ask you to let go of the very thing you hold so dear? And after I finished worshipping, I opened my Bible and began to read about the woman at the well in John 4. Jesus said to her, go and call your husband. She said I have no husband. Jesus said, you have rightly said, because the man you are with is not your husband.

It looked like somebody used a highlighter pen and marked that line for me. After five years, after introduction — the man you are with is not your husband. I started negotiating with the Holy Spirit. This is a good guy. He's a Christian. But God had a clear plan even before your parents met. He can be telling you something and you are arguing with Him.

God then said ask him: if you were a pastor, would he marry you? I asked. He said no. And I understood that if I had married him, I would probably be in the UK today, maybe happily married, but not fulfilling what God had planned for me.

I said to God: the same way you told me who is not, tell me who is. Then I found out that Pastor K and I had gone to the same secondary school but had never spoken a word to each other. Along the way we became friends. One day I went to visit his church, and while waiting for him after the service, I felt an unusual presence of God. I was reading about how Samuel went to anoint David. When Samuel asked is there no other one? They said there remaineth one — he's the youngest and he's taking care of the sheep. That same marker feeling came and the Holy Spirit said to me: what position is Kingsley in his family? He is the youngest. What do pastors do? They take care of the sheep. Arise, anoint him, for he is the one.

God can be that explicit with you. He said: call unto me and I will show you great and mighty things you will never know on your own.

The First Key: Invite Jesus

In John 2, people invited Jesus to their wedding. That's the first thing you must do if you want to have a good marriage — Jesus must be invited into that home. I know some people will give you examples of unbelievers whose marriage is working. You don't know if a marriage is working until we get to the end. I want you to have a marriage where you are excited about going home. You know that this person is my destiny partner.

At some point in your life, the wine will run out. You will move from emotional love at some point to having to use intentional love. Because emotional love is what starts off relationships — it is necessary — but there are days when you get married and you just realize your partner is snoring and you're wondering, what's all this?

Remember that you are also annoying. Because I sit in counseling rooms every day. Half the time I say to my husband: if people would just be Christians — really Christians — we will not have marriage problems. If people would just obey the word. Because everything God asks you to do as a Christian is what He expects you to do in marriage.

Fill Your Water Pot Daily

Jesus said to them, there are six water pots here. Fill it with water. Fill it up to the brim. When it is full, draw from it. The Holy Spirit said to me: look at that scripture again. There are seven days in a week. Of those seven days, one day you are sure you will hear the word. What does water represent? The word. So what He was saying was: fill every day with the word of God so that when your partner is annoying you, you can draw from it. If you don't fill it, you can't draw from it.

A soft answer turns away wrath — you can draw that from the water pot. But if you do not fill up your water pot, by the time you get to the car park after church, that water is already empty.

Fill your life with the word of God. Without the word of God, your marriage cannot work.

Marriage Will Stretch Your Character

In Matthew 19:11, Jesus said not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage is not for everyone. Some from birth seemingly never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked or accepted. Some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you are capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.

Marriage will stretch your character. God expects that in that home, you practice actual Christianity. Christianity is not just being able to pray 17 hours in tongues, yet you can't say I'm sorry. Your wife is sick, sir. She's sick. And you say, this is my study time. Nobody disturbs my study time. The one you have studied — have you practiced it?

The Biggest Enemy of Marriage

The biggest enemy of marriage — write it down. The biggest enemy of marriage is selfishness. Every time people sit in counseling, what I hear them say is: he doesn't do this for me. She doesn't do that for me. I don't like the way he talks to me. And sometimes I'm sitting there thinking — what do you do for him? Why do you feel like this marriage revolves around you?

This thing you are seeing now in your spouse — was it a surprise? This thing was there before you got married and you said you could handle it. Marriage is going in to serve another person. You made the choice to serve someone else.

If people would just be Christians, if you are doing it every day to people you don't even care about, it should be easy to do it to the person you have pledged your life to. If He says forgive somebody — how much more the person you have chosen to live your life with?

God, help us. Help us to fill our water pots. Help us to invite you into our homes. Help us to submit to the assignment of marriage as you designed it. May we encounter your love, your patience, your mercy, your forgiveness — and carry it into our marriages. In Jesus' name.