Relationships That Work by Pastor Mildred Kingsley-Okonkwo: MP3 Download & Sermon Notes

Marriage can work — without constant drama. Most failure comes down to two things: lack of information, and unwillingness to apply what's already known. Entering with an escape clause built in changes everything: a room on fire with a visible door makes people run for the door; a room with no door forces people to put out the fire instead.

It takes two good eggs to make an omelet. One good person and one uncommitted person still produces a bad result — both people have to be committed, informed, and playing their part.

The Root Problem: Selfishness

The moment Adam sinned, he blamed his wife — selfishness and self-protection were among the first things inherited at the fall. Every marriage that struggles traces back to the same word, however it gets dressed up. "I" is the biggest word in divorce.

Romans 5:5 — "the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost." Genuine conversion doesn't just add religious activity; it removes the natural selfish streak and replaces it with the capacity to love unconditionally, the way God loves. Two people who genuinely walk in that love should find it nearly impossible not to have a good marriage.

Marriage Is Service, Not a Transaction

1 Corinthians 7:33 — "he that is married careth... how he may please his wife" (and the same applies to a wife pleasing her husband). A common wrong mindset going in: expecting to be taken care of, cuddled, provided for — coming to receive rather than to serve. When those expectations go unmet, people conclude the marriage failed, when the real issue was ever thinking marriage was a rescue rather than a partnership of mutual service.

Serving in church is training for serving in marriage. Practicing patience and selflessness with people who owe nothing back builds the muscle needed to serve one spouse well.

Forgiveness Is Not Optional

Matthew 18:21-22 — Peter asked how many times to forgive; Jesus said seventy times seven, then told the parable of the servant forgiven a great debt who refused to forgive a much smaller one. Anyone who has received grace from God has no right to withhold it from someone else. Forgiveness does not mean restored trust automatically — a person who stole money still might not be handed money again — but withholding forgiveness itself is never presented as optional.

What Love Actually Is

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 — love is patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not proud, not self-seeking, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. Love never fails. Marriages struggle less because marriage itself is hard and more because people are not surrendered to living this out consistently.

Invest in Knowledge

People spend money and time on entertainment but resist investing the same in their marital well-being through counseling, books, and teaching. Grace and peace are multiplied through the knowledge of God — comedy skits don't build financial or emotional intelligence, and neither builds a marriage.

Questions

Q: My boyfriend is nice but not spiritually mature.

Niceness won't carry a marriage once real pressure hits. The real question is whether he is actively pursuing his own spiritual growth. If there's genuine hunger, there's potential; if he's simply lackadaisical and only "likes" you, that affection tends to fade under pressure.

Q: A prophet or pastor said someone else is coming — what should I do?

You cannot marry by someone else's prophecy alone; you have to hear God for yourself. God is not a gossip — if he has spoken to you directly, a contradicting word from someone else doesn't override it, unless there's a clear, discernible reason (addiction, abuse, unbelief) rather than just a private impression. One personal account: a man once called claiming God said a couple should not marry because she would suffer for it. Prayer brought a specific, personal scripture in response — Jeremiah's warning about prophets who prophesy lies they were never sent to speak — and the couple went on to marry and have children.

Q: Can I stay friends with my ex?

An unresolved connection like this tends to get exploited eventually. One story: a woman twenty-five years into her marriage still felt bound to an ex she'd never fully released, illustrating how an unbroken soul tie can quietly undermine even a long, otherwise stable marriage.

Q: I've waited patiently for marriage and nothing is happening.

Examine honestly whether the delay traces back to something within your own control — an attitude, a pattern, unresolved selfishness — or whether it's genuinely outside your control. Either way, Scripture promises that those who don't grow weary in well-doing will reap in due season; use the waiting season to grow closer to God rather than only waiting on the outcome.